Why hipsters will be the first to die in the zombie apocalypse

We live in a society that is constantly trying to learn, build and educate themselves in hopes that the future will continue to be bright and growing in technological advancements like our fathers before us for so many years. It’s part of what makes this country great. Everyone for the most part is working together in their own way and field to help grow the American dream and all it’s endeavors. But within this great march of people working towards family and this dream of life that we’ve crafted over the years, we have this specific special group of people that I believe we need to encourage to grow and flourish. But I’ll get to that later and reveal why in just a few minutes. While I’m on the subject of millennial and the amount of things we need to learn. Let me say that out of all the culture related fads and facades that we young people try to emulate in a way that speaks volumes to our own sense of misguided originality, hipsters are the most misguided of all. And with that being said I shall make an irrefutable argument as to why, without any shadow of a doubt, Hipsters will be the first to die in the coming inevitable zombie apocalypse.

1. Woman’s Jeans
Obviously woman’s jeans would be my first pick for the list. But not for the reason that I’m sure you have me pegged. Woman’s jeans are tighter than men’s jeans from the waist all the way down to the ankle, depending on what style of jean we’re talking about. During the inevitable zombie apocalypse it should be a well known fact that running is going to be a popular trend among most uninfected humans who aren’t billowing foam from the mouth while sporting red eyes and a deep burning desire for blood. With that being said I would think that tight constricting pants that hug every orifice of your skin from the waist down including the “man package” would be detrimental to survival. Okay, so the obvious solution is to remove the woman’s jeans and put on something friendlier for running, right? No not for a hipster. Notice how you could be at a wedding and everyone is in nice suit or tuxedo and then the hipster couple comes in wearing an old vintage suit that makes them stick out like a sore thumb? Or you could be hiking a trail that is horrendously rocky and challenging in every way. But not to fear, you're wearing your hiking shoes and Under Armour for reliable flexibility and sweat absorption. Then you pass the hipster who’s wearing Docksider shoes, an old vintage tank top and a pair of 80’s styled gym shorts that just come short of revealing that “man package” that’s already bulging and leaves much to the imagination. So with that being said, what needs to be realized is that it’s not that the tight jeans plays a role in their inability to escape. But the fact that their inability to disconnect from their tight jeans and over all hipster ways will be the culprit of failure over all. Any smart woman will know to simply take off the jeans and maybe put on leggings. Not the hipster though. Removing the jeans would be to remove the very fabric of imagery they strive to accomplish every day.

2. Living in the Past
Hipsters are a special kind of breed when it comes to mankind’s evolution. The perfect image of a hipster is obviously the tight jeans, the old beat up shoes, the shirt from salvation army, a polaroid camera, some kind of never heard of before pack of cigarettes and whatever else the mind can conger within the realm of the word “old”. Which brings me to my next point as to why they’re going to die when faced with the inevitable. Hipsters don’t like embracing all coming of age technology, clothing fashions, weaponry (which is questionable in itself considering hipsters don’t like guns,) so obviously any attempt to survive in the ever challenging elements of a zombie apocalypse will be doomed before survival can commence. OK, just imagine this scenario with me and I’m sure you’ll see where I’m going with this. You have 2 hipsters stuck in a alley-way being cornered by a fleet of raging zombies, on the right of the said hipsters is a Army Navy store and on the left is a antique store. Both of them are unarmed and are faced with immediate death and conversion or enter each of the stores to rummage for weapons and escape. For the sake of being fair and unbiased I’ll say that they agreed to split and have one enter the antiques and the other the Army Navy store. After finding what they thought would be needed for defense and survival they met back into the alley way. The hipster from the Army Navy store came back with a very suitable and effective Ar15 assault rifle and a box full of 20 gauge shot gun shells. While the hipster that entered the antique store came back out with a old 1800s western revolver and a rusted sword from the civil war. The very sad and unfortunate events that unfold are obvious to me, but for the sake of any hipster reading this, I’ll explain. The hipster who came out with the assault rifle and shot gun shells quickly realized that A.) this plastic bullet doesn’t fit in the clip and B.) now he’s dead because of shuffling around too long. While the other hipster pulls the revolver up to fire at the mob only to find that his vintage choice of defense has been blocked and disabled because it’s not a weapon anymore.. it’s an antique. It’s out of date and meant only for sitting on shelf to be admired. Enough said.

3. Debates & Trader Joe's
My 3rd reason is a little bit deeper into the mind of a hipster's thinking when it comes to 3 things: reality, facts and just plain stubbornness. For instance during the zombie apocalypse, food is going to be a scarce thing which means it’s going to be harder to find a Wegmans or preferably Trader Joe’s that isn’t ran sacked and emptied already. So starvation will be something to consider even if there is a Walmart within walking distance that hasn’t been ransacked or noticed by the population. Another thing to consider is the hipster’s absolute disgust with violent activity. During the zombie apocalypse we will not only have to worry about zombies but also desperate people that will do anything to survive and unfortunately hipsters will be easy prey for people like this to hunt, considering they wont be any contest in a fight. The true hipster way and mentality when it comes to fighting is to fight with words. It’ll be an epidemically horrible scene as we watch hipsters trying to debate themselves out of harrowing situations that only end one way, when bringing words to a gun fight.

4. Encourage the Hipster
I could continue on I’m sure a bit longer with reasons as to why hipsters will be the first to go but for the sake of time and energy I’ll stop there and just simply say, we must encourage this cultural movement of people to continue. Why? Well because first of all it’s fun watching people like this that are so far disconnected from reality operate in life from day to day. And 2 obviously the more hipsters that are created and we surround ourselves with means the more opportunity we “normal” people will have for survival. Yea I know it’s cruel and messed up but really it’s all about survival right? If it comes down to it, defend yourself, educate yourself on coming of age technologies, and do what's needed to protect what’s yours. Your neighbor hipster is still trying to uphold an image in a world that is long past dead. So to all you hipsters out there, consider a change cause when shit hits the fan it’s gonna get all over that image you’ve created in the form of a raging bloodied zombie. Which means we’ll have to deal with “zombie hipsters” and no one wants that.